Nothing But Green Lights

just another day.
last week was my birthday. And if i should count my blessings, exactly 14 people wished me a happy one. That includes some lengthy text message from my family with list of prayers. I got one gift. awesome. and one good night out with my recent best buds.

Sighs. well kill me if i couldnt sound more enthusiastic. Thats the problem im having lately. I dont know how to be excited anymore. Dont get me wrong, I am thankful with life's little joys that are blessed upon me every single day. I am. I have nothing to complain for. I got a good job, nice and smart boss, a little smart ass but smart nonetheless staff, pretty normal work colleagues, nice place to live, im healthy, nice however a bit shallow friends but nice however. Very nice even. I mean they got me a gift when i dont know jack when is theirs, and to be honest i dont give a damn either. I kinda prefer it to be that way. Beside i am never convinced that birth day is something to be celebrated for. Anyway, what am i yakking about here?.... Ah. yeah. Feeling nothing.

Funny feeling that is. Im not sure how to treat it. Could it be I've finally able to accept what's been down in my life, I lost concept of what I want. The ultimate phase of peace. Now i have reached the ultimate state of water. Flowing and settling to wahtever pod it ends up in.

Hmm...It doesnt sound so lively, does it.

I miss life.
and here's something even weirder. I miss being in pain. The chaotic ups and downs. The hundreds of poetry. the dark side. the pumped blood.

I know i've wanted my life to flow smoothly like this. To be happy in normal way, good vibes all around, smiling and laughing at the most inconsequential things in life just for the sake of good mannerism. Listening hours of rambles about this boy, that boy, married ex, lunch with married ex, gift showers, gossips, and attitude of oh im the victim in my relationship, save me. Givin in to mom's guilty trip and end up gobbling in guilt, thinking twice about something i used to feel really strong about, working from excatly 9 to 6, smooth smailing with occassional trivial stress.

I feel nothing.
Im becoming empty. Dangerously empty.
Im not sure what Im looking for anymore.

Mocking Love

Read it somewhere in some blog: liking your image seen through the eyes of your boyfriend. (Say it with me) "Awww..."

Suddenly the cellulite does not matter, and you dont look too fat, and you are much more comfortable in that god given frame. Once you have a guy who likes everything in you, you suddenly have a much healthier sense of self image.

(Say it with me) "Awwwwww..."

Really. Is that how we see ourselves. A flawed girl until some guy tells us that what we hate so much about our body is cute. Is that what we need to recognize our ouwn beauty? A validation from a man.

so what happens if the man stopped telling us that we're cute. What happens if the intoxicating love effect wears off, and he stops seeing us through that rose colored lenses? What happens when you wear that washed out and a bit ripped underwear with some excessive fat around your waist and not so flat tummy, and he sees you as it is. A woman wearing too big of a worn out tshirt, ripped underwear and...fat. Stops thinking of it as "ooo its baby cute".

What happens then?
will you plunge yourself into a pit of depression? lose your healthy sense of self? and go back to being that flawed girl?

Pathetic.

Sorry, but when you use love to fill your pathetic sense of worth, blur your inconfidence? man....... bet you my ear, you're bound to crash.

and you call this love? puhleezzz

Silent Alarm

time and time again, i searched for his name. ransacked the virtual world to satiate my curiosities. How is he now. How does he look now. What has he been up to. What other things about him i can find out. What would i find in google.

I recall a friend of mine when told about this, went "hahaha.. i cant believe you are still obsessed with this guy". I was slightly taken aback then, tho I did sucessfully disguised it in some lame self deprecating joke and made it casually sound like..heh, ya know just soemthing i do to kill time.

Yeah. maybe i fooled her. But did I fool myself? Is this obsession? Is this really whats going on? Am i really obsessed with this guy? if not, what am i doing searching the internet for his name then? what the hell is wrong here.

Eye on The Telescope

Happy New Year, Oy!!
2006. Time does fly.

So what had happenned in the past 2005?
Professionally: First it sucked major ass -- i couldnt believe working for major recording label can be such a cunt. I had tons of complaints in my chess, waiting to be let out -- or i can take the higher ground and forgive the motherfuckers who stabbed me good in the back. Karma does exist. And music industry is going through a major slump. So I forgive you. And pray silently for your fall. crash. into pieces. Million tiny pieces.
And for you to get what you did to me. in TENFOLD.
Amen.
Its a pity for big label such as this to keep these 2 individuals in power. mark my word, keep this 2, and you will commit a slow and painful suicide.

Anyway, I snatched my ass outta there just in time.
And now having a GLORIOUS time and recognition I truly deserve in my new company.
God loves me. Yes he does.

Personal life:
I patched things up with my family. Got along well with them. and even have this growing attachment and affection for them, which i've never had before. Strange. But nice.
Love? ummm.. dunno. Didnt seem that important anymore. Didnt feel that weighing anymore. I might be less lonely, or I might have just come to the term of fully accepting whats been given to me.
I guess... I'm happier.

Guess all in all :
Life had been as it is. As Life suppose to be. Sucky at one end...and wonderful at the other end. Its really how you look at it.
Holidays and celebration still are the loneliest time of the year, but people are not so much stranger anymore. And somehow that makes it less lonely.

I think i'll tag 2005 as the year of significant growth.

Happy new year, all.

Good Moooorning, sweets!

8.00 am
It was dusky morning and cold. It is the day scheduled for sandwich for lunch.
So I have Starbucks in mind. It doesnt taste bad, it got focacia bread and tuna with light mayo (...I think), it looks decent without pruny lettuce and smeared tomato all over it, and it's not that expensive.

I woke up fairly early to get the sandwich, i thought i could also get some tofe nut latte drink that i love so much, and having it in the morning would be the simple bliss i should celebrate. The Starbucks logo filled my mind, the green teased me and my mouth watered.

8.55 am.
I got it covered. Starbucks door opens just a lil bit and the morning sensation filled the small place --> light still dimmed, chairs are slightly disorganized, sleepy look on the barrister's face -- i am loving it.
I gave it time getting to the counter as the barrister prepped themselves up for their first customer of the day. I smiled at them. They gave me half sleepy smile, while letting out the steam on coffee machine. Ahhh, coffee smells great!

I greet them my most cheerful greeting. It didnt reciprocate well. Like trying catching a wind. You get nothing. So I went on with my order.
"Chicken & Tuna cheese melt focacia sandwich please"
They proceeded with my order and also managed to offer me coffee, One barrister girl remembered me from the last time I had my Toffee Nut. She asked me whether i wanted the same today.
I hesitated a while, weighing that coffee in my office is actually not bad. It even got selection of mochacinno, capucinno, and milo. And it doesnt cost me anything.
She persuaded me some more, and managed to smile wholeheartedly this time. Ahhh, who could resist fresh smile from coffee barister at 9 in the morning, so I caved.

"Alright," I said. She grinned happily.
"But..." I continued, "please dont upsize it like the last time, its too big of size and I ended wasting a really good coffee, so small size should be fine."

She nodded.
I waited for my order to be prepared, looked around the register counter a bit and picked up a promotional postcard. 10 minutes passed. I called out to the girl.
"Is my order ready, shouldnt take this long?"
And at that time i realized that something smelled very nice coming from the grill machine. Naaaah, it couldnt be my sandwich? I didnt ask them to grill it.
I continued,
"I'd like my sandwich and tofee nut please? I have to hurry,"
The barrister guy came up from nowhere holding tall glass of papercup. I didnt feel good.
"Whats that for? I asked. In normal - not have to hurry-- day, I wouldnt ask a barrister or waiter or whatever what they were doing, but Its 10 past 9 already and i havent got my order ready yet and i had a bad feeling that they're gonna screw up my order. I HAD to ask.
"For Toffee nut latte, mam" he started the whiped cream machine and put the cup under it.
"whats that size?" I pointed at the cup in his hand
"Grande, mam"
"I didnt ask for grande, I asked for short"
"Yes mam, we understand, but when you order food you get upsized cip" he said cheerfully. Coffee started pouring into the glass. I looked at him and the girl I ordered my tofee nut to in disbelief.
"No. This is what I told the girl" I looked at her direction " that I do not want it upsized. Its too much for me and I dont like wasting my coffee,"
The girls gave the guy a look of understanding and murmured, "Tall then"
The guy nodded and got the tall cup.
I stopped him "what are you doing? I ordered smallest size. Short cup." They looked at me like I am from other planet. "You dont want us to upsize?"
Its 9.15. I am LATE!
"Thats what i said from the beginning!" I said in irritation. 'And where is my sandwich??"
The guy at the grill station turned to look at me and said cheerfully, "in a minute mam, It's still on grill machine"
Thats it. Its official. My morning has turned into a nightmate full of little league of mr & ms know it all! I am so ready to bash their head.
"Who asked you to grill it?"
"Trust me, mam. Its better when its grilled"

But I dont want it to be grilled! That it is more delicious when grilled is beside the point. They should ask me whether I want it to be grilled. And says who it is better grilled, according to whose taste???

He smiled at me while putting now the a really skinny and darkened sandwich into starbucks paper bag. There goes my double decker.
The barrister put the shortcup Tofee infront of me.
They all smiled. No sleepy smile now. Morning fresh smile.
And it ANNOYED the living daylight out of me.

Starbucks sucks.

3pm at the new office.....

Question:
why does it considered worse to eat pork rather than consuming alcohol or committing adultery in this country. All are against the islam religion. However, eating pork is a total no no.
Now why is that?

what if...

what would happened if i didnt choose the thing i chose.
Would everything turned out differently?
would i be a different person now?
Would i be complete then? Or even more incomplete.

What would happen if you chose to turn right instead of left
What would happen if you chose to leave instead of stay
What would happen if you chose not to look

what would I chose if i were given the same situation today.
Would I leave it? Or would i jump into it.

What would happen if i never have met you.
Would i be happier.

What would happen...